And no, I’m not trying to be rude. There is no subliminal message, no ulterior motive, no big secret as to why I can’t attend this event. Or drive 30 minutes to your house. Or go out to dinner. Or even have you over for dinner. I’m so busy, I don’t even have time to explain to you why I’m so busy. So stop asking for my time, and stop making me repeat myself in a thousand different ways.
My spouse is deployed. Most days, I feel like I’m drowning in more ways that one. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it. It’s me, just me, and I have a beautiful, sensitive, energetic, and stubborn three year old to raise in her Daddy’s absence. I have to be both people not only for her, but for pretty much every aspect of our life. All responsibility is on me. My shoulders.
Yes, I know you offer to help. But most things you can’t help with. You can’t be her mom. Can’t pay my bills. Can’t run my business. Can’t do the accounting for my business, or run my rental property. Can’t write my papers or take my class. These are the things that consume my time, and only I can do them.
You can’t be my husband when I need comfort. Yes, you can provide comfort – but you’re not him and its just not the same. You can’t be my husband when I’m longing to be loved, touched, and held. You can’t be the person that I need or want to talk to when anything comes up. That’s my husband, and no one can replace him. And I miss him like crazy. Every day is painful without him.
If and when I need help, trust me, I’m asking for it. Don’t be surprised that it might not be you though, for no other reason then I spread out my requests and SOSs amongst all of the people in my life. Furthermore, if you make me feel guilty about asking for help, bail on me when I need you (and you said you’d be there), or betray my trust while helping, I’m most likely not going to ask for help from you again. Basically, if you make me feel “icky” in any way while helping, I’m not asking for help from you again.
Sure, maybe you could go grocery shopping for me. But, that would require me to make a shopping list, and I don’t have time for that. Sure, maybe you could clean my house. But, that would require me having cleaning supplies on hand, and I haven’t had time to go shopping to restock. Sure, maybe you could babysit, but whatever little time I do find I want to spend with my daughter. She needs me, and I need her.
I don’t need more issues in my life. I don’t personally need it, my marriage doesn’t need it, my child doesn’t need it, my husband doesn’t need it. I don’t have time or the energy to add any additional negativity to my life. I don’t have time or the energy to respond to a million questions. I keep a pretty tight personal bubble these days – it’s a survival tool.
If I need space, please respect it. I’m trying to survive. Don’t add more pressure to me, don’t make me feel like how I’m handling things in the wrong way, don’t speak to me like its my job to appease you.
What do I have time for? For people to lift me up. Tell me you’re thinking of me, but don’t ask for my time, because I don’t have any to give. Tell me you’re praying for me, but don’t ask me questions you know I can’t answer. I wish I had answers too. Tell me you’re here for me, but do not expect me to “make something up” just so you can help me. And for goodness sake, don’t get mad at me when I don’t ask for help. Trust me, this isn’t about you.
And I don’t have time to explain myself. Again.