2015 Military Spouse of the Year: How the Nomination Changed My Life

Posted on February 4, 2015 by leomilspouse

When I first started my blog, I had no idea the impact (if any) that it would have on my life, or on the life of anyone else. I just needed to write – to get things off my chest. To hopefully be heard, but most importantly, hopefully help someone else through my journey.

Only a few days into my new blog, I received an email from Military Spouse magazine. “What’s this?” I thought to myself. I then opened an email that would forever change my life.

This email was in regard to a nomination for the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year Award. I briefly touched on this in my Military Equality post: the dear friend that nominated me has a husband too, but through a series of IED blasts he had to be removed from the deployment. He worked through the pain for months. Stayed on deployment much longer than he should have, but he would not leave his fellow Soldiers. It got to the point where he could hardly walk. They couldn’t find answers. This was over four years ago. They still do not have answers, and they are still sacrificing.

And with all of that, she nominates me. Me? Somehow, someway, I made an impact on her life. But what I want her to know, is what an impact she and her husband have had in my life. When I need strength, I look to them. When I need patience, I look to them. When I need to remind myself what unconditional love within the military is, I look to them.

And when I think of my own struggles, I am reminded that I am not alone. I am reminded that each military family has their own struggles and challenges, regardless of branch, deployment status, MOS, etc.

You can ask my husband – I was pretty upset, bitter, angry, confused, and a whole bunch of other emotions when this deployment came into our life. I kept wanting to change our situation. He’s served before, now we have a young daughter, and I was left asking myself “why us, why now, why does he have to go…again?”

He would attempt to answer these questions: This is what he’s called to do, we’re not the only family making sacrifices, he would always regret it if he didn’t go, and the list goes on and on. Are all of these answers reasonable? Absolutely. But, in the moment, those aren’t necessarily the things we’re wanting to hear. Sometimes, we just want to have an adult version of a tantrum.

And honestly, that’s where I was at. For a long time, for a period of time longer than it should have been. Yes, this is a challenge for me – but its a daily challenge for 1,000’s of our military families across the world. And when that nomination email came to my inbox, the reality of the situation and the need for a change in my heart was all too apparent.

Maybe I’m the first spouse to feel this way (doubtful), or maybe I’m taking a leap of faith here in voicing my struggles. To acknowledge that yes, this is hard, really, really hard. I want other spouses and military significant others (or anyone – mother, sister, daughter, father, son, brother, etc.) to know that its okay to acknowledge the struggles and challenges of loving and supporting a US Service-member. It’s a rewarding vulnerability for sure – but one that is so, so worth it.

To my friend who took the time to submit a nomination for me: I love you. I cherish you. I honor you. I see you. I hear you. I will speak up for you. I want you to know how humbled I have been through this process, and that I take both the nomination and role of 2015 Oregon National Guard Military Spouse of the Year whole heartedly – and with a sense of motivation, drive, passion, and determination.

The timing of this whole process was nothing short of “perfect timing.” This process has allowed me to heal, renew my pursuit of military equality, and love my husband and this crazy life in new ways. To anyone who loves and supports a US service member – I love you. I cherish you. I honor you. I see you. I hear you. And I will speak up for you.

2015 Military Spouse of the Year: Top 18 Update

Posted on January 30, 2015 by leomilspouse

Today Military Spouse magazine announced the Top 18 candidates for the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year. I was beyond humbled, honored, and surprised when I realized that I was amongst the Top 18! You can read about all 18 candidates here. The next round of voting will occur on ONE DAY – February 4th for the branch-level winners (one per branch). I encourage all of you to read about all of the candidates, and vote for EACH category (National Guard, Marines, Coast Guard, Army, Navy, and Air Force).

As mentioned in my 2015 Military Spouse of the Year: Round One Update post, I was named the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year for the Oregon National Guard. This is an honor and responsibility that I take whole heartedly, and I have big dreams and ambitions for what I can do within this role. Jeff Bezos said, “You don’t choose your passions, your passions choose you.” This couldn’t be more true.

I have wanted to get involved with supporting and lifting up other military spouses for quite some time, a dream that started during my husband’s first deployment 4 years ago. When this second deployment reared its head in our life – I decided I couldn’t be silent anymore. What if I could help one person, just one person by sharing my story and voicing my opinions and dreams? I didn’t know how to start, but I knew that I just had to start, period. You can read more about my passion and reasons for being a MilSpouse blogger/writer here.

Locally, I’m looking into the opportunity to speak on a panel at upcoming Yellow Ribbons events in some “spouse to spouse” sessions. I look forward to the opportunity to speak to and with other spouses about reintegration, the unique challenges we face as National Guard families, and be a resource and sounding board for those spouses who need emotional support. The first time my husband deployed, I quickly learned how easy it is to feel alone – and I am actively working to prevent that from happening to any other spouse.

I am also currently working on my first book (title to be released upon obtaining a publisher), with the focus of the unique challenges we face as National Guard spouses and families. It’s not a how-to book, there are no checklists or steps – it’s just me, talking about emotional survival, challenges, and the path to strengthen my own marriage by learning to understand my husband’s heart (no matter how difficult it makes our life). I’m about four chapters into my book, and I’m very excited to share it once it is complete! My dream is to have it handed out (for free obviously) at all Yellow Ribbon events.

In regard to Yellow Ribbon events themselves, I want to start working with my local state to hopefully be involved in the process to revamp how they are currently conducted. Feedback that I have heard from most people within the military disregard those events and brush them off – as they have not truly spoken to the hearts of those that attend. I want the events to be meaningful, purposeful, and one that spouses and their families want to attend.

The other big issue with these events is that they are usually spread out, and many families cannot attend due to the nature of the National Guard (families having no local base and being very spread out geographically). I want to create more online resources or a system to allow those spouses and families that can’t attend the events to have access to the same level of information. Make sure that the any and all information at the Yellow Ribbon event is accessible to ALL spouses and families (within OPSEC of course). I don’t want distance, life obligations, or any other circumstance to get in the way of providing the highest level of information and support.

Finally, I want to help bridge the gap between the various branches of the military. I firmly believe that we are one family, one united front. As stated in my Military Equality post: The Army cannot do it on their own. The Marines cannot do it on their own. The Air Force cannot do it on their own. The Navy cannot do it on their own. The Coast Guard cannot do it on their own. They must work in unity, in oneness.

Now yes, I understand each plays a different role, and each has a different set of ranks, military specialties, etc. That’s not my point. My point is, they serve the same nation. They serve the same people. They serve you. They serve me. In our Pledge of Allegiance, we pledge allegiance to who? The United States of America. What do we stand for? One nation, indivisible. How do we accomplish this? With liberty and justice FOR ALL.

This is part of my mission, and I’m working on a project to close the gap both in the civilian world and the military community. To bring awareness that each branch has their own set of unique challenges – none of which are better or worse than another branches’ challenges. They are just different – and we need to support everyone. Lift everyone up. Be a nation indivisible. Will you join me?

Constantly Committed Amongst Constant Chaos

Posted on January 28, 2015 by leomilspouse

The title might be a mouthful, but it describes my life. Describes our life. Describes the everyday life during deployment. When your significant other is away (whether drill, or training, or work, or deployment), all of the responsibility is left to you. Deployments or long trainings make this extra challenging, as there is no reprieve for a long time.

No matter what your life circumstances are: significant other with or without kids or spouse with or without kids – the reality is that you’re maxed out. Over committed. And your life is probably chaos (both on the inside and the outside). Here’s a little bit about my chaos:

My husband is deployed (this maximizes the chaos of the following items). We have a three year old daughter (trying to raise her with patience, obedience, love, understanding, compassion, and everything else on minimal energy). We have a 6-year old yellow lab that still acts like he’s 6 months old. We are blessed to own our home – but I’m also blessed with all of the maintenance that comes along with it. We have a rental property for me to manage.

I run my own business. I’m taking one college course to further my knowledge in my career (already have my bachelor’s degree). I’m writing what is the equivalent of my career’s thesis paper (I’ve spent over 100 hours on it, and I’m not even close to being 1/4 of the way done). Oh, and I’m trying to write my first book to help other National Guard and Reservist Spouses survive their deployments and the civilian world. That’s just the big stuff.

Then there is the other everything else items: cooking, cleaning, laundry (including dreaming of actually putting them away), dishes, take out the trash, feed the kid, clean the kid, feed the dog, water the dog, clean the dog, gas up the car, go grocery shopping, clean the car (or…..not), pay the bills, answer calls/texts/emails, and the list goes on and on. Don’t forget to add nurture relationships in there too.

Even if there is a down moment, my mind is filled with what needs to happen next. I feel like I’m on a spinning gerbil wheel and I can’t get off. Even if I’m not figuring out my next step in life, I’m thinking about him: Is he okay? Is he safe? When will I hear from him? Will we have a good conversation? My mind never shuts off.

I also need to send care packages to my husband. Email him. Send him letters. Speak his love language. I enjoy all these things – but I often find myself feeling guilty for not doing enough or feeling that I’m not being enough for him. Why? Because I’m constantly bombarded with the everyday responsibilities that consume my time.

Yes, some of these items above are by choice. But, it doesn’t help when someone points that out. Plus, I can’t say no. I can’t just stop being a parent. I can’t just stop being a wife. I can’t just stop paying the bills, or stop doing the laundry. I could stop my class or stop my demonstration report for my career…but these are things I had planned well before the deployment was thrown into my life. Our life. By saying no to the things for me, I feel that I’d be losing myself.

My husband didn’t say no. He chose to stand up, raise his hand, and say “send me. I’ll go.” Why did he say yes? Because this is what he feels called to do.

There was a point where he was willing to say no, for me. To stay home, for me. But I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. He would always regret it if he didn’t answer the call. (This is for another post). I’m blessed to be married to a man that wants me to pursue my callings too.

I too would regret if I didn’t answer my calling: to reach out to other part time military spouses and be an emotional sounding board so they know they are not alone. It’s a calling that I’ve had for a number of years, but life kept getting in the way. I don’t know how I’m going to do it – I’m just going to write, and keep writing. And pray that I help someone. Be a resource for those that feel there is no resource.

So, here we are: constantly committed amongst constant chaos. And that’s okay. At least it helps pass the time!

Military Equality Update – Confirmation, Validation, and a New Friend

Posted on January 16, 2015 by leomilspouse

I want to start off by thanking everyone that read, liked, shared, and tweeted about my military equality post. If you haven’t read it yet, please check it out! If you have read it, here is an update:

After a few days of trying to reach someone at Military Spouse magazine, I decided to call Armed Forces Insurance (who sponsors the Military Spouse of the Year Award). They forwarded my contact information to Kate at Military Spouse Magazine – who called me right away! Literally, right away as in within the hour. She read my military equality blog post, and clarified that I DO in fact qualify to accept my nomination. How so? Because my husband is currently on Title 10 orders.

Although I was happy to accept my nomination, I’m still saddened that other military spouses wouldn’t be able to due to the rule of requiring activation 180 days or more before the application deadline. Although I could accept my nomination, I still want all other PT military spouses current and future to be able to accept too.

So, I asked Kate: “What about the other National Guard spouses whose husband’s are not currently deployed? The Reserve families that are not deployed?” Kate said, “good question!” She was happy that I brought it to their attention, that I cared so deeply about fellow PT military spouses. We had a very long, fun, and overall fantastic conversation, and this is what I learned:

1) The award is still young, in that it was only founded in 2008.

2) They just added National Guard to the list of potential categories just two years ago, and the verbiage for their qualifications came from DOD (Department of Defense).

3) The award is growing both in size (more branches) as well as national recognition.

4) Kate herself is from a Reserve family, so she understands where I’m coming from. (can I get an Amen I met someone who gets the PT military life?!!?)

5) Although they most likely cannot change the rules for this year, they will look into including all National Guard (Army/Air) and Reserve spouses, regardless of deployment status. Kate did give me the disclaimer that she can’t promise anything will change, but she did tell me that she would bring it to the attention of the “powers that be.”

That last bullet point makes my heart skip a beat. I’m elated. Just the thought, the hope that I might have made a difference – I’m humbled. During my husband’s first deployment I wanted to reach out and try to help other spouses in the PT military life, but I didn’t know how. Life kept getting in the way.

This deployment? I felt that I had been silent long enough. I thought to myself, what if you meet one person – just one person through this process? What if you can help just one person get through their deployment? What if you can be that one person for somebody else? That one person that you so desperately searched for during your own first deployment?

So, I jumped into the world of online blogging and twitter. I literally just started my blog, twitter, and Facebook page less than a week ago. I’m only four chapters into my book with no publisher, hardly any Twitter followers, and very few Facebook likes. However, I had to hope that somehow, someone, somewhere would hear me. And you know what? Today I was heard. I was validated. I was understood.

You can read about why I decided to become a MilSpouse Blogger, and you’ll see that for me, even if no one reads my blog, it helps me to process the struggles of my own life. It helps to know that maybe, just maybe, my experiences can help someone going through what I’m going through.

Even if no changes come from what I’m trying to accomplish, and that Guard/Reservist spouses still have to be married to an activated soldier to qualify – I feel that at a minimum I gained a new friend, Kate. Our conversation was easy, the laughs were many, and the tears were sincere.

She cared, really cared – not only about me, but what she does. What she stands for. Who she serves. So, it’s not at a “minimum” that I met a new friend – it’s more like “at a maximum.” Why? Because as a military spouse, there is nothing more rewarding, comforting, and calming than knowing you have a friend. A true friend – one that understands your struggles, your fears, your uncertainties, and most importantly – understands the love that you feel for your spouse.

Then it hit me – I was going out into the world to try to “be that person” for someone else, but I was blessed with someone who could “be that person” for me instead. Again, I am humbled. Kate – I look forward to all the conversations to come!

Military Equality

Posted on January 16, 2015 by leomilspouse

No, this post isn’t about race, religion, or relationship equality in the military (although all of those are important topics and most of the following could apply). This is about military equality. Equality within the military. Let’s start with some basic definitions from dictionary.com:

Military is defined as: the military establishment of a nation; the armed forces.

Armed Forces is defined as: military, naval, and air forces, especially of a nation.

Nation is defined as: a large body of people, associated with a particular territory, that is sufficiently conscious of its unity to seek or to possess a government peculiarly its own.

Unity is defined as: the state of being one; oneness.

Equality is defined as: the state or quality of being equal.

Equal is defined as: as great as; the same as.

Please note that the definition above for the armed forces is military, naval, AND air forces. Not “or,” but “and.” Furthermore, we are the United States of America. We are a large body of people associated with a particular territory, and our armed forces serve and protect this country in unity to seek and possess a government that is our own. To protect your freedom. To protect my freedom.

Here’s the big shocker: The Army cannot do it on their own. The Marines cannot do it on their own. The Air Force cannot do it on their own. The Navy cannot do it on their own. The Coast Guard cannot do it on their own.

They must work in unity, in oneness. Here is a summary of the armed forces in the United States Military (in no particular order):

United States Army

United States Army Reserve
Army National Guard

United States Marine Corps

United States Marine Corps Reserve

United States Navy

United States Navy Reserve

United States Air Force

Air Force Reserve Command
Air National Guard

United States Coast Guard

United States Coast Guard Reserve
United States Coast Guard Auxiliary

To me, they are all equal. What does equal mean again? That means that one branch is just as great as another. They are the same.

However, so many times I see them not being treated equal. Even amongst themselves, each branch pits against each other. Sometimes this is all in good fun and leads to a healthy level of competition. But, speaking as a spouse of National Guard soldier – I can tell you firsthand that the inequality can be hurtful, even when unintentional.

See, us Army National Guard families, and other part-time military families, are often the “forgotten” ones. We’re looked at just as the “weekend warriors.” Did you see that list above? The one of the armed forces of the United States? The one where National Guard is listed? We’re just as much a part of serving this nation as any other branch.

Let me reiterate: The Army cannot do it on their own. The Marines cannot do it on their own. The Air Force cannot do it on their own. The Navy cannot do it on their own. The Coast Guard cannot do it on their own. They must work in unity, in oneness. They are equal.

My husband has been in the Army National Guard for about eight years. He’s currently serving his second tour in an active war area. He left behind a career, a wife, a daughter. He left behind his whole life to serve and sacrifice for this country, again. And I sacrifice along with him, again. I live in the civilian world and in a community that is far, far removed from the realities of war. That’s for another post, another day.

Right now I want to address how we are treated even within our own military community. How we are compared to the other branches in the military. *Disclaimer – I don’t feel there should be any comparing. We are all on the same team.

A dear friend, a fellow military spouse that “served” with me on my husband’s first deployment, recently nominated me for the Military Spouse of the Year Award (MSOY). Huge honor. I am humbled. What is this award? According to nomination email that I received:

“Military Spouse magazine founded the Military Spouse of the Year Award in 2008 to honor the important contributions and unwavering commitment of the 1.1 million military spouses from all branches of service as they support and maintain our home front.”

Wow, that sounds amazing. What’s amazing?

The recognition that military spouses provide important contributions and unwavering commitment.
That there are an estimated 1.1 million military spouses (that’s a LOT of support for our troops).
That it’s for ALL branches of services as they support and maintain our home front.

Again, I am so humbled. Yes, it was just a nomination, but to know that someone who has been where I’ve been thinks so highly of me made me speechless. Well, I was speechless, until I read the list of qualifications to accept the nomination:

“In order to be considered for the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year Award, a nominee must meet the following criteria:

Be an ID card carrying spouse of a current member of the U.S. Armed Forces (U.S. Army, U.S. Air Force, U.S. Coast Guard, U.S. Marine Corps, U.S. Navy, or U.S. National Guard)
National Guard spouses are eligible if their service member has been activated for at least 180 days on or before the MSOY nominations deadline.
Reserve military spouses are eligible if their service member has been activated for at least 180 days on or before the MSOY nominations deadline.”

Wait, what? Why wasn’t the first bullet point enough? National Guard IS part of the U.S. National Guard – so why the extra requirement of having to be activated for at least 180 days on or before the MSOY nominations deadline? Do the National Guard and Reserve families and spouses only count when they are activated (for a certain length, by a certain date)?

Well, my husband is currently deployed for up to a year. But, not for “at least 180 days on or before” the required date. My husband has deployed before. For a year. And I served along with him. And so did my friend who nominated me.

You see, this fellow military spouse has a husband too. My husband was blessed to come home physically unharmed. Her husband was not so fortunate. Through a serious of IED blasts, he had to be removed from the deployment. He worked through the pain for months. Stayed on deployment much longer than he should have, but he would not leave his fellow soldiers. It got to the point where he could hardly walk. They couldn’t find answers. This was over four years ago. They still do not have answers, and they are still sacrificing. Them not finding answers and the lack of good care for our veterans is another topic I look forward to writing about (or have her write about as a guest blogger).

Back to my point: just because a National Guard or Reservists deployment is over, or they haven’t been gone “long enough,” they are still serving. And their families are serving with them. Every day they serve, we serve. Even if only serving on “the weekends,” they are always ready for the call. The motto of the National Guard is even “Always Ready, Always There.”

Military Spouse magazine also says: “During that time (nomination period), Military Spouse magazine encourages both the military community as well as all Americans to consider nominating their military spouse friends, relatives, neighbors, and colleagues for this prestigious honor.”

I have served alongside my husband for eight years, including two deployments (one currently on-going). I’m a military spouse and serve the role as a friend, relative, neighbor, and colleague. My role as a military spouse affects each and every role, differently, each and every day. However, I do not qualify to accept my nomination. I am baffled.

I am now thinking to myself: how many other spouses have not qualified due to this additional requirement? How many were elated, humbled, and honored to be nominated, but then felt to be shamed and discounted because their service “wasn’t enough.” Please know that your sacrifices ARE enough and that you are not alone.

So, Military Spouse magazine: while I cannot accept my nomination due to your additional requirements for National Guard spouses, I want to publicly take this moment to nominate every National Guard and Reservist spouse to be the winner of the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year Award for their “branch”- regardless of your rules.

In fact, I nominate every single military spouse, of every single branch, for every single year (past, current, and future). If you need clarification as to what the United States Military is, please see above. Why do I nominate every single military spouse?

Because the sacrifice does not end with deployment. Sacrifice in the military is not defined by a deployment. We do not quit being a military spouse, even when our spouses are no longer in the service. And, National Guard members are just as much a part of serving this nation as any other branch. We sacrifice too.

We are all on the same team – the United States Armed Forces.

Please know that I think that the purpose and mission of Military Spouse magazine is an amazing one. I want to personally thank your entire organization. Thank you for supporting and loving my fellow military spouses. Each and every one of us can benefit from your resources. Thank you for recognizing those spouses that go above and beyond to serve here on the home front. They deserve recognition for their contributions to the armed forces community. I do not discount your award in any way, shape, or form.

However, I call on Military Spouse magazine to re-evaluate their nominations requirements and remove the additional stipulation for Guard and Reservist families. And no, this has nothing with me accepting my nomination. This has everything to do with Military Equality.

Please read the update in this post. I have heard back from Military Spouse magazine, and some pretty amazing things are happening!

My Right to Write – Why I’m a MilSpouse Blogger

Posted on January 16, 2015 by leomilspouse

right to write I was recently asked why I started blogging. More specifically, why I chose to blog about being a milspouse and all the “fun stuff” that comes along with it. Then I was told “that has been done to death” and “aren’t there enough blogs out there like that?” Well, here’s my answers/opinions to those questions:

If every single milspouse had a blog, that would be amazing. Why? Because each and every single milspouse has their own story to tell. Each story is unique. And each milspouse has the right to write (keeping in mind OPSEC of course).

I’m new to the milspouse blogging community, but what I’ve seen so far is that they lift each other up. They struggle together. Cry together. Laugh together. Grieve together. Give each other strength. I’m excited to write and share in this unique and endearing community.

And why did I decide to start blogging? I too, have a story to tell. We’re a PT (part-time) military family with a three year old daughter. I’ve spent the past two hours attempting to get her to sleep because she misses her Daddy. I miss her Daddy.

My husband is in the Army National Guard, and typically juggles his full time job (law enforcement, lots of overtime) in addition to his commitments in the guard (drill station is a few hours away). However, as soon as those Title 10 orders are signed, we’re thrown into the full-time military world without the feeling of the full-time support.

PT MilSpouses have very few (if any) local resources, as we’re usually stuck in a civilian world that doesn’t understand us. In communities that don’t even know that they have MilSpouses. We don’t have the protection of a base, or the convenience of having a fellow MilSpouse close by. I don’t even know a single wife of any of the soldiers currently deployed with my husband, who is serving his second tour. Well, I know one – but her husband isn’t “with” my husband.

Please know that in no way, shape, or form am I discounting the full-time MilSpouses. I love you. I respect you. But, that’s not my life. That’s not the life of thousands of military spouses who live in the civilian world, and are thrown into the military world when a deployment comes crashing into their life.

The day those title 10 papers come in, we’re thrown into full-time military life. The day they’re back, we’re thrown into part-time military life with the additional pressures of full-time civilian world.

I reached out to a fellow PT MilFam, and told them of my new found calling to write to and for the PT Military community. This was the husband’s response (serves in Air National Guard):

“I couldn’t think of a single example I’ve seen or heard recommended for Guard/Reserve specific families. That is astonishing considering how unique the experience is for part-timers.”

Yes, our experiences are different. Our struggles are different. Our transitions are different. But our love and sacrifice during deployments is the same. I want to write and talk about the unique set of challenges that present us in this PT Military lifestyle, and make sure that you know you are not alone.

Even if no one reads my blog, it helps me to process the struggles of my own life. It helps to know that maybe, just maybe, my experiences can help someone going through what I’m going through.

I don’t know about you, but my husband is the person that I talk to the most. Well, he’s gone and communications with him are sporadic, unclear, and never guaranteed. I still need someone to listen. I still need someone to understand. I need to know I’m not alone. As August McLaughlin puts so perfectly, “I hope you’ll also take time to celebrate the freedom we have to put words on the page. Through our thoughts and stories, we can entertain, inspire, educate and change the world.”

So, I’m exercising my right to write by being a (PT) MilSpouse Blogger.

Identity

Posted on January 16, 2015 by leomilspouse

What is your identity? Who are you? These are some of the questions I was asked today. So few words, yet such deep, perplexing answers. Usually my response would be well, I’m a 30’s something female, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, I do xyz for a living, and I live in Little Town, USA. I enjoy traveling, being crafty, and I love a good deal.

But, think about it. What IS your identity? Who ARE you? What defines you? What drives you every day? Being the spouse of a deployed soldier – I often feel labeled as “M’s wife.” Not Ashley, but “M’s wife.” Yes, I’m a spouse, and yes, I’m his spouse. But – I’m still Ashley.

Who is Ashley? I thought I knew, but when my husband told me of this second deployment, I really started to question what I knew in my life – and realized there was a whole lot about myself that I didn’t know.

When M and I first started dating over 10 years ago, I was into horses (used to have one), I loved to write, and I loved to try new recipes. I loved to surprise him with really romantic gestures, like driving an hour in the wrong direction just to drop off cookies before a ten hour drive in the opposite direction to see family.

I loved to “work” on cars. I put “” around that because I THOUGHT I liked to work on cars – that reality is that I just love classic cars and don’t really have the patience to try and figure out what’s wrong!

Anyway, we started dating and I had just sold my horse. I had been riding since I was three, but I’ve never had a horse since. Heck, I haven’t even been riding in over 10 years.

I stopped writing. Not because I wanted to stop, but because life just got too darn busy. Driving around I’d have all of these thoughts I wanted to write down, poems would start to develop as I was getting ready for the day, but I never wrote them down. Those thoughts were lost.

When we first got married I tried to put on my best show of trying new recipes – but again, life got busy so I stuck with what I knew (which wasn’t a whole lot). I sold my classic car so we could buy our first house. I gave up all those things I love up freely to start this new life with the man that I loved. I never even thought twice about it, it just happened that way.

He never asked me to give up those things, but it just happened.

Well, now we’re here. Years into our marriage, on a second deployment, and I’m left wondering: “Ashley, what is your identity? Who ARE you?”

I’ve learned that I’m strong. Stronger than I ever realized. I am not a push-over. I come from a long-line of strong women, and I’m proud of that. I’ve been “beat down” by a lot of people. I have been so blessed that my husband came into my life – he gave me a sense of security, peace, protection, and love that I had never known before.

I was raised to stand up for what I believe in, yet always try my best to be respectful. I do not judge people. I’m an over-committer. I’m a perfectionist.

I love travel – LOVE it. If I’m not on a plane or traveling at least 3-4 times in a year, I feel closed in and that life is passing me by. I love photography, although I’m totally a novice (I still feel cool with my fancy camera though).

I love a good deal – shopping at garage sales, goodwill, random sale sites on Facebook. I love being in control of my own schedule (note, this one is a HUGE challenge due to our life circumstances – blog to come later about this one).

I love popcorn with so much butter its almost soggy (I can thank my sister for that one).

I have a soft spot in my heart for children – all children. It pains me and angers me to see any injustice for a child. My heart longs to be a foster parent, to give some child a place of refuge and love in a time of fear and unknown.

I still love classic cars. I see them drive by, and my mouth drops open. I will have another by our 20th wedding anniversary. My husband and I are still negotiating the fine details over that one.

I do not have a lot of patience. I’m sporadic, yet a planner. I’m probably the most chaotic organized person you’ll ever meet. Yet, see above – I’m a perfectionist. This causes an endless cycle of self-inflicted stress.

I’m sentimental. I kept the little baby rattle that my sister gave me when she first told me she was pregnant. I kept it for years, like 10 years, just so I could give it back to her and announce I was pregnant. She didn’t even remember what it was from! Then I told her the whole story and we had some GOOD laughs.

I could go on an on – I’m so many things. We all are. I want to be so many more things. Each of us has such a unique set of life experiences. Yet, I find myself searching for answers and resources for me in my current life situation: the PART-TIME military spouse.

What do I mean by this? Yes, I’m a full-time wife alright, but most resources are for full-time military spouses. Those that live on base, who’s spouses career is in the military. I am not disregarding those spouses in any way. My world is just different.

In my world, I’m always pulled between the civilian world and the military world. I don’t live near a base, all the other spouses of my husband’s unit live far away, there’s only really one chance a year to even meet the other families, and I’m surrounded by a bunch of civilians that have NO clue what I’m going through.

I looked for books, for blogs, for anything that could help. Someone who was going through what I was going through. Maybe I didn’t search long enough, but every book, blog, and/or resource seemed geared for the full-time military family.

But hey, I’m part of the military family too. I love my spouse just as much as you do. My heart breaks just like yours when my child cries out for him. I can’t sleep, as I worry for his safety just like you. I eat alone for a year, just like you.

We have so many similarities, yet I feel that we’re this forgotten group of spouses. I’ve even been told, “at least this isn’t your life full-time.” Does that make our deployment any less meaningful? Are our spouses not fighting side by side?

I’ve done two deployments in less than five years. I know there are spouses that have gone through way more than me – I want to get away from the “my level of suck is worse than your level of suck.” I just want people to know that we’re military spouses too. We need support too.

And we live in the civilian word that doesn’t understand an ACU from a BDU or an LES from a MOS. Heck, most of us didn’t even know what these were until the deployment was thrown in our face. We have to constantly explain ourselves to the civilians around us, drain ourselves emotionally.

I hope that you stay with me over the next few months (and maybe years), as I navigate through my second deployment. I’m far from having all the answers, but tonight as I think about when I was asked “What is your identity? Who are you” I have an answer. I AM a mother. I AM the wife of a deployed National Guard soldier. I DO live in Little Town, USA.

But, I am also strong, committed, brave, compassionate, sensitive, emotional, and driven. And, I have a mission: to help my fellow part-time military spouses survive their deployments AND life in the civilian world, and know that they are not alone.

LEO MIL Spouse

Category Archives: My Mission

2015 Military Spouse of the Year: How the Nomination Changed My Life

2015 Military Spouse of the Year: Top 18 Update

Constantly Committed Amongst Constant Chaos

Military Equality Update – Confirmation, Validation, and a New Friend

Military Equality

My Right to Write – Why I’m a MilSpouse Blogger

Identity